An Episode of “Mad Men,” by Someone Who’s Never Seen “Mad Men”

[Camera pans over shots of 1960’s New York City. A young newspaper boy hands out the latest issue of the Times to passersby. A pregnant woman takes a shot of tequila on the sidewalk and chases it with a drag from her cig. Don Draper walks across a busy street.]

DON: Another beautiful day in New York City. [DON lights a cigarette] Time to bring home the bacon.

[DON walks into his office building. The air is opaque with smoke because everybody is smoking. Literally the shot is of an amorphous grayscale.]

DON: Another beautiful day in my office building.

[We hear the sound of a door shutting and the smoke clears to reveal we are in DON’s office. DON sits at his desk and lights 5 cigarettes and 2 cigars which he shoves into his mouth.]

DON: Blum hwah leee ah …

[A character that is NOT Don Draper walks into the office. DON spits out all of his smoking apparatuses in utter shock.]

DON [in utter shock]: There are characters on this show that aren’t me!?!

GUY: Your sexmaid is on the horn.

[DRAMATURG’S NOTE: In the 1960’s “sexmaid” was the word for “wife.” “Horn” was slang for “telephone.”]

DON: Thanks.

[DON drinks five bottles of whisky and smokes twenty cigarettes while answering the telephone.]

DON: You may speak, woman.

WOMAN: Thank you! I was calling you on the horn to ask your permission to use fifteen cents in order to pay for a parking meter downtown today.

[DON is now drinking another bottle of whisky as he smokes three cigars, and he is simultaneously having sex with two women who were not in his office a mere three seconds ago.]

DON: Why are you going downtown!? ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME!?

WOMAN: No! I would never!

DON: Good! [A moaning sound is heard] Sorry, honey, this prostitute won’t shut up.

WOMAN: Oh, well that’s ok. I’ll be off then. Thanks, Don!

[DON hangs up the phone, glad he was so kind to his wife. Another not-Don-Draper-character enters the office.]

GUY 2: Sir, it’s time for the board meeting.

DON [looking directly at camera]: More like the BORED meeting!

[Laughtrack]

ANNOUNCER [offscreen]: Mad Men was filmed before a live studio audience.

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