Max is sitting on table outside of a little café sipping on a skinny, non-sweetened iced coffee, easy ice. He is dressed in a yellow polo and jeans, but he doesn’t know that. Well, he does know that because he is able to tell what his clothes feel like but he doesn’t know it by sight because he is BLIND YOU GUYS! A blind woman sits down across from him and begins to talk.
CHARLOTTE: Hi, you must be Max. I’m Charlotte. Sandra told me I would recognize you by your unique scent.
MAX: Yes, I realized that since we are both blind I would either have to use this movie theater popcorn cologne or continually scream your name until you showed up for you to find me.
The two of them laugh for 15 minutes straight.
CHARLOTTE: Being blind sure has some funny quirks, don’t you find?
MAX: Oh yes! Just yesterday a man ran into me on the street. He said, “Woops, sorry. I didn’t see you there,” and I said, “I didn’t see you either. BECAUSE I’M BLIND!”
CHARLOTTE (laughing): I bet he got a good laugh from that one!
MAX: He did laugh for a little, but I think he took my wallet?
CHARLOTTE: Oh God that’s terrible! Here, let me pay for your coffee, which I know you are drinking from the slurping sounds and the smell.
Charlotte pulls out her wallet and pulls out four candy wrappers.
CHARLOTTE: Is four dollars enough?
MAX: That’s very nice but I already paid. Would you like to order something though? I’ll call over the waiter.
Max screams the word “waiter” 15 times in a row at high volume.
WAITER: Hello ma’am, how can I help you?
CHARLOTTE: Oh I’m sorry, but do you mind speaking in the third person? It kind of ticks me off when the visually gifted use the term “I.” I’m sure you understand.
WAITER: Ummm, okay. Well, ummm, what can John, my name is John by the way … what can John get you?
CHARLOTTE: Can I please get a large steak and a glass of straight vodka?
JOHN: It’s 11:00 am, ma’am.
CHARLOTTE: Clearly I cannot tell what time it is. I’m blind, you ableist jerk!
JOHN: I’ll … I mean …. ugh John will go get that for you.
John walks back inside.
MAX: Wow, you really know how to handle yourself!
CHARLOTTE: Well I am a blind woman living by herself in the big city. I kind of have to know how to stand up for myself if I don’t want to get taken advantage of.
MAX: That’s so inspirational! Do you mind if I, like all blind people do when they first meet someone, touch your face to determine whether or not I want to continue this date based on your tactile attractiveness?
CHARLOTTE (seductively): I thought you’d never ask!
Max grabs Charlotte’s boobs.
MAX: Woopsies! Damn blindness!
They both laugh for approximately 45 minutes. Then Max begins touching Charlotte’s face clumsily. Poking her in the eye, yanking on one of her earrings, and putting his fingers in her mouth.
MAX: Did you eat something before you came here? I think you have something in your teeth.
CHARLOTTE (flirty and somewhat garbled since Max’s fingers are currently in her mouth): Well why don’t you get it out since you are clearly literally touching it?
MAX: A wonderful suggestion, mademoiselle.
Max pulls a piece of a granola bar from Charlotte’s teeth.
MAX: Would you like to touch my face now?
CHARLOTTE: No, thank you. I actually do not like to find out what a guy looks like until after I get to know him. That way I can determine if I like him for his personality and not just his looks.
MAX: That’s so beautiful. You are using your blindness to make you a better person.
CHARLOTTE: Yeah, I know.
MAX: Hey, you know what I just realized? This is a BLIND DATE!
CHARLOTTE: OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!
They both laugh for three and a half hours.
CHARLOTTE: Where the fuck is my food?