Month: March 2014

A Blind Date

Max is sitting on table outside of a little café sipping on a skinny, non-sweetened iced coffee, easy ice. He is dressed in a yellow polo and jeans, but he doesn’t know that. Well, he does know that because he is able to tell what his clothes feel like but he doesn’t know it by sight because he is BLIND YOU GUYS! A blind woman sits down across from him and begins to talk.

CHARLOTTE: Hi, you must be Max. I’m Charlotte. Sandra told me I would recognize you by your unique scent.

MAX: Yes, I realized that since we are both blind I would either have to use this movie theater popcorn cologne or continually scream your name until you showed up for you to find me.

The two of them laugh for 15 minutes straight.

CHARLOTTE: Being blind sure has some funny quirks, don’t you find?

MAX: Oh yes! Just yesterday a man ran into me on the street. He said, “Woops, sorry. I didn’t see you there,” and I said, “I didn’t see you either. BECAUSE I’M BLIND!”

CHARLOTTE (laughing): I bet he got a good laugh from that one!

MAX: He did laugh for a little, but I think he took my wallet?

CHARLOTTE: Oh God that’s terrible! Here, let me pay for your coffee, which I know you are drinking from the slurping sounds and the smell.

Charlotte pulls out her wallet and pulls out four candy wrappers.

CHARLOTTE: Is four dollars enough?

MAX: That’s very nice but I already paid. Would you like to order something though? I’ll call over the waiter.

Max screams the word “waiter” 15 times in a row at high volume.

WAITER: Hello ma’am, how can I help you?

CHARLOTTE: Oh I’m sorry, but do you mind speaking in the third person? It kind of ticks me off when the visually gifted use the term “I.” I’m sure you understand.

WAITER: Ummm, okay. Well, ummm, what can John, my name is John by the way … what can John get you?

CHARLOTTE: Can I please get a large steak and a glass of straight vodka?

JOHN: It’s 11:00 am, ma’am.

CHARLOTTE: Clearly I cannot tell what time it is. I’m blind, you ableist jerk!

JOHN: I’ll … I mean …. ugh John will go get that for you.

John walks back inside.

MAX: Wow, you really know how to handle yourself!

CHARLOTTE: Well I am a blind woman living by herself in the big city. I kind of have to know how to stand up for myself if I don’t want to get taken advantage of.

MAX: That’s so inspirational! Do you mind if I, like all blind people do when they first meet someone, touch your face to determine whether or not I want to continue this date based on your tactile attractiveness?

CHARLOTTE (seductively): I thought you’d never ask!

Max grabs Charlotte’s boobs.

MAX: Woopsies! Damn blindness!

They both laugh for approximately 45 minutes. Then Max begins touching Charlotte’s face clumsily. Poking her in the eye, yanking on one of her earrings, and putting his fingers in her mouth.

MAX: Did you eat something before you came here? I think you have something in your teeth.

CHARLOTTE (flirty and somewhat garbled since Max’s fingers are currently in her mouth): Well why don’t you get it out since you are clearly literally touching it?

MAX: A wonderful suggestion, mademoiselle.

Max pulls a piece of a granola bar from Charlotte’s teeth.

MAX: Would you like to touch my face now?

CHARLOTTE: No, thank you. I actually do not like to find out what a guy looks like until after I get to know him. That way I can determine if I like him for his personality and not just his looks.

MAX: That’s so beautiful. You are using your blindness to make you a better person.

CHARLOTTE: Yeah, I know.

MAX: Hey, you know what I just realized? This is a BLIND DATE!

CHARLOTTE: OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!

They both laugh for three and a half hours.

CHARLOTTE: Where the fuck is my food?

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Why Wu-Tang’s Attempt At Artistry Will Fall Flat, But Has Already Kind Of Succeeded

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The iconic hip-hop collective Wu-Tang Clan recently announced that they would be releasing only 1 copy of their new album, The Wu —Once Upon A Time In Shaolin, which they’ve been secretly recording for the past few years. According to Wu-Tang member RZA and producer Cilvaringz, the meaning behind this move is to force the public to see music as a true artform that puts records on par with one-of-a-kind classical paintings, complaining that music today is devalued and taken for granted. While this concept of a single-sale album certainly advances the cause of music as art in bringing up thoughtful discussion, I highly doubt that the album itself will be treated like the masterpiece it was made to be.

Here’s the plan Wu-Tang has for the release. Like an art exhibit, Shaolin will be paraded through galleries, festivals, museums, and other venues where you wouldn’t expect to be listening to aggressive rap before its official release. Guests will be permitted to listen to the music at these institutions for a somewhat hefty sum of $30-$50, and will have to go through heavy security to ensure they aren’t bringing in any recording devices. To me, this is cool in concept, but imagining myself sitting in a museum surrounded by people just listening to an entire rap CD does not exactly spell “fun.” Also, it’s a double album, so that’s like maybe an hour and a half of museum not-so-easy listening. I understand the attempt at artistic pretension, but it just sounds … unenjoyable.

After it’s “tour,” Shaolin officially released, which basically translates to being auctioned off since there’s only one copy. The bidding will start in the millions, and could end up anywhere. Most likely, the album will be purchased by a major record label or by big-name brands that would release copies of it to the public. Another less likely possibility is a wealthy private citizen or superfan could purchase the disc and capitalize on selling the copies, or continue the album’s concept of musical artistry by not making copies.

But unless Shaolin is never copied and is kept guarded from recording devices by its buyer, then it will be distributed, and that means it will be uploaded online and pirated, which is exactly what Wu-Tang made this album to fight against. Despite their best efforts, the sad fact is that avoiding piracy in our technological age is probably impossible.

Either way, the success of Wu-Tang’s effort is that is is bringing up the discussion of how music should be valued, even though their release will most likely not be valued itself. Maybe the best artists can do nowadays is just be glad that people are listening to their music, whether its through an expensive gallery exhibition or a sketchy MP3 file that might be the thing making their computer freeze up.

The Tracklist of Taylor Swift’s New CD

Yesterday I randomly found a list written by none other than the current United States Poet Laureate Taylor Swift in the dumpster outside of her home. It was such a random place to find it! Upon closer inspection, the scribbles actually appear to be song titles for her upcoming album. It looks like our girl Tay isn’t shying away from addressing her public image in these sure-to-be cry-jams. I am thrilled to share the UNOFFICIAL tracklist for the new Taylor Swift CD:

1. If You Aren’t On A Magazine Cover, You Aren’t On Me

2. If He Doesn’t Like It, I’ll Change It

4. sOMEONE LOVE MeE!

5. Long Term (The 1 Month Anniversary Song)

6. i HATE BOYS!

7. I lOVe BOYS!

8. Lookin’ For A Regular Guy (Who’s Famous)

9. ❤ 🙂

10. Every Girl Is AWESOME! (If A Boy Thinks So!)

11. Song That Isn’t About Boys (JUST KIDDING!!)

12. A HARRY Breakup: SYLES Of Rude Boyfriends (Note from Swift: “This song was inspired by one of my exes, but I can’t disclose who.”)

13. Girl Next Door (I Bought The Subdivision You Live In)

14. Bring Me To Life (Evanescence cover)

15. Down-home Country Girl (Dubstep Remix)

16. Jake Gyllenhaal Never Did That, But Okay…?….

17. You Didn’t Hold The Door For Me Once At Long John Silvers; You Know The Time.

18. Diet Coke™ (Sponsored By Coca Cola Enterprises™)

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The Snaption: How Texting Became Old-Fashioned

 

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In the ever-evolving landscape of cellular communication, texting has been the most stable tried-and-true method of interaction for the past decade. Texting has been so prevalent that much of today’s youth will actively avoid phone calls in order to text information instead. Some teens may even forget that cell phones can make calls.

While texting continues to beat out its challengers — Facebook messager, Twitter, Skype, among others — one newcomer has put up a fight that could have texting go the way of HeyTell (remember when that was a thing?).

Originally, SnapChat sounded skeezy: Sending pictures to other people that will disappear after a few seconds and be impossible to retrieve? What could that be used for other than sexting? But as it’s popularity grew, the creators realized the broad appeal their app actually had, and began to tailor it for more diverse uses. Filters, new doodling colors, and new text options were added, along with making snaps easier to screenshot. But the most important feature on SnapChat is what I have termed the Snaption™ (I didn’t actually trademark this, but I probably should).

The snaption is the semi-transparent bar of text that allows users to enter somewhere between 30 and 80 characters (depending on character-length) to their photos before they are sent. Without the snaption, SnapChat would lose most of its communicative ability. Sure, sometimes people will scribble words using the doodle option, but they often come out only semi-legible and take a lot or time and concentration to complete.

Thanks to the snaption, many young SnapChat users have turned to the app to send messages they would normally text to their friends, since SnapChat also taps into the vanity of what I think can be safely referred to as “the selfie generation.” Not only does it give ex-texters an excuse to take more selfies, but it also provides more room for creativity as well as the capacity to quickly respond to news with only a facial expression rather than using words at all.

In the end, no I don’t think SnapChat will totally replace texting, which is already universal and clearly more professional, but I also don’t think SnapChat is going anywhere anytime soon.

An Episode of “Mad Men,” by Someone Who’s Never Seen “Mad Men”

[Camera pans over shots of 1960’s New York City. A young newspaper boy hands out the latest issue of the Times to passersby. A pregnant woman takes a shot of tequila on the sidewalk and chases it with a drag from her cig. Don Draper walks across a busy street.]

DON: Another beautiful day in New York City. [DON lights a cigarette] Time to bring home the bacon.

[DON walks into his office building. The air is opaque with smoke because everybody is smoking. Literally the shot is of an amorphous grayscale.]

DON: Another beautiful day in my office building.

[We hear the sound of a door shutting and the smoke clears to reveal we are in DON’s office. DON sits at his desk and lights 5 cigarettes and 2 cigars which he shoves into his mouth.]

DON: Blum hwah leee ah …

[A character that is NOT Don Draper walks into the office. DON spits out all of his smoking apparatuses in utter shock.]

DON [in utter shock]: There are characters on this show that aren’t me!?!

GUY: Your sexmaid is on the horn.

[DRAMATURG’S NOTE: In the 1960’s “sexmaid” was the word for “wife.” “Horn” was slang for “telephone.”]

DON: Thanks.

[DON drinks five bottles of whisky and smokes twenty cigarettes while answering the telephone.]

DON: You may speak, woman.

WOMAN: Thank you! I was calling you on the horn to ask your permission to use fifteen cents in order to pay for a parking meter downtown today.

[DON is now drinking another bottle of whisky as he smokes three cigars, and he is simultaneously having sex with two women who were not in his office a mere three seconds ago.]

DON: Why are you going downtown!? ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME!?

WOMAN: No! I would never!

DON: Good! [A moaning sound is heard] Sorry, honey, this prostitute won’t shut up.

WOMAN: Oh, well that’s ok. I’ll be off then. Thanks, Don!

[DON hangs up the phone, glad he was so kind to his wife. Another not-Don-Draper-character enters the office.]

GUY 2: Sir, it’s time for the board meeting.

DON [looking directly at camera]: More like the BORED meeting!

[Laughtrack]

ANNOUNCER [offscreen]: Mad Men was filmed before a live studio audience.